Last words?

Columbarium, State College Presbyterian Church

The writer of this blog -- my beloved husband John Roe -- left behind his earthly life on March 9, 2018. He was confident that he was beginning "a more focused time of peace and joy" with his Lord, and that he would rest close to our child Eli, as they both awaited the resurrection (see his Dec. 11, 2017 post: Waiting close).

In the last week of John's life, as his body was weakened by cancer and his mind was affected by pain medication, we had some brief but touching interactions. His words as he was dying reflected the focus that he had in life: his relationship with God, love for me and our family, and (of course) thoughts about mathematics.

In his last days, John spoke out of the fullness of his heart and his mind, even as his connection to them was slipping away. It occurred to me to wonder: When I myself reach that state and the thoughts of my mind come spilling out, will my words be as joyful, gracious, and God-centered as his?

I wanted to share a few of John's last words here, in the hope that they will give inspiration to others as they do to me. In another sense, these are not his last words, because his writing and blogs continue to speak with his unique blend of insight, passion, and humor.

Monday, March 5, 2018: John called me to his bedside, and wanted to pray aloud together. That was unusual, because his prayer life was usually intensely personal and private for him. But he prayed "Lord, it looks like I’ve reached the end of my life on earth. But we know that for your people, this doesn’t mean the end of life. We know that you hold me in the palm of your hand, and you also hold Liane. In the last minute of our lives, you will not be any different to us than in all the other minutes."

Tuesday, March 6, 2018: At 8 am, I asked John if he wanted any breakfast, and he replied that he needed "circular fruit". I asked why he needed that, and he replied "to reflect on the shape of our joy together". For John, his faith and his mathematical mind were intimately connected, right until the end. Fortunately, there was an orange in the kitchen; I peeled it and he ate a few bites. Later that morning, John asked for some paper and wrote "Everyone! Hello, Hallelujah" and then said to me "Tell everyone 'Hallelujah'". When I asked why, he responded "Because God is good and deserves being praised by everyone”.

Wednesday, March 7th, 2018: John's mind was meandering and he was musing about theology. I asked myself (aloud) "Are you leaving me?" and was surprised when John answered "No, I feel closer to you, not further away". I affirmed to John that his body was giving out and that he would be leaving the earth but would be with Jesus. And John replied "A new beautiful land appears -- a new world".
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Rest in peace in that new land, beloved, until you and Eli are raised with healed bodies.